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The Night Watches

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As Paul’s battle intensifies, I find my sleep is lessening. I wake many times a night just to reach over and touch him. Tonight, sleep never came and with good reason. He was awakened in excruciating pain. I know God wanted me awake so I could help him. His cancer has now entered his bones and is causing him great discomfort. How does one help someone in such pain and suffering? My heart is breaking for him as I minister to his needs. I cry out to God to show him mercy and give him relief. My warrior husband is still showing his strength even in his weakness. He puts on a brave face and a smile for us hoping to conceal the horrible pain he is suffering. We all know his battle will soon be complete. He is so very tired and at times asks God  how much more can he take. Only God knows how much more He will give Paul to carry. Our hearts cry would be that He would take it all away—but, suffering draws us closer to our Savior and the fellowship of His sufferings. We become more Christlike
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Alone in the Valley

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Many times in a Christian’s life we may find ourselves in a valley of aloneness. It seems that the battles we are facing are fought in total darkness with no one to encourage or lift us up. It is in the darkest valley that our precious Savior shows His loving kindness and proves that His grace is sufficient. (2 Cor. 12:9) It is in the dark valley that you draw close into the everlasting arms of your God to find the sustaining grace to continue walking. I find myself in the deepest, darkest valley I have ever had to traverse as I watch my beloved Paul battle cancer.  Please don’t misunderstand my thoughts here, what I am saying is, I am learning that being alone drives me straight to the Shepherd of my soul, my sustainer, my comforter, my refuge! When it seems to my human heart that no one truly understands, my God does! I find hope and peace in Him and I rest in His presence. Only He can give me the courage and strength to continue the walk of the unknown darkness ahead. Only He k
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The Heart of Happiness

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Recently, we were blessed with the opportunity to travel to Israel.  My dear Paul has set up and led tours for several years.  This particular trip was scheduled long before he was diagnosed with cancer, and we felt that we really needed to follow through with it.We prepared for the ten hour international flight and the fast paced tour not knowing how well Paul would do. Our hearts were very grateful to God for giving Paul strength and good days while on this trek.  In our hearts and minds we felt this may be the last tour for my darling Paul. Yehuda, our dear friend, who has graciously guided every group we have brought to Israel, made sure Paul had a wonderful trip, showing great love and care for him. Even though we have been to Israel thirteen times, Yehuda delights in showing us something new each trip. On this trip, it was Shiloh. Shiloh is the last place the Tabernacle of God stood.  It is also where Hannah prayed the prayer of humble faith to God for a son. In I Samuel chap
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Faces

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Cancer. Just the sound of the word is terrifying. Just like death, it is no respecter of person. It comes to the young and the old; to the rich and the poor. No one is immune to the possibility of contracting this horrible disease. There are many faces of cancer. The infusion room, a room of healing, is a room with many chairs set up for the patient’s comfort as they receive their treatment. As an observer in this room, many faces come through. There are those who are filled with hope, but sometimes, they are sad and full of fear, without hope. I recently spoke to a man whose wife worked as a nurse in the cancer critical care ICU. He related that she became a Christian because she compared how the Christian faced their deaths with peace and calm as opposed to the non-Christian who had great grief and turmoil. It was one of her patients nearing the end of her life who witnessed to the nurse. Because of this woman's testimony of Grace the nurse gave her heart to Jesus Christ by t
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Uncertainty Ahead

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Today we find ourselves facing the New Year and the unknown lies ahead.  We must step out in faith moving forward day by day. Much uncertainty lies ahead for us all. Our paths will not always be smooth and comfortable.   In spite of the unknown, we have the comfort of a loving God who has said in Isaiah 41:9-10, 13 …Thou art my servant, I have chosen thee, and not cast thee away. Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee. There are many who have journeyed into the valley of the unknown before me.   They could testify to the heartache of watching their loved one suffer through the ravages of sickness and pain telling of the once strong becoming weak and worn.   I’m sure they could also share with you the sweetness of a deep love that comes forth du
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A Journey Not Chosen

The title of my blog is probably shocking to many, but I hope to show our God’s great love, grace, mercy, and faithfulness given to us as we walk through this journey. This blog is about the darkness of a devistating diagnosis of metastatic cancer, and the journey of the unknown. Our prayer is that you will see our everlasting Lord as He sustains, and holds His loving arms around us, gently guiding each step we take. On November 25, 2017, we learned that my darling husband, Paul, has metastatic cancer. Upon hearing these words, my heart cried out to God asking, “why” and I was pleading for the test results to be wrong. I remember telling God that I wasn’t ready for Him to take my love away from me. My Lord came to my side speaking gently to my grieving heart, “You wouldn’t be ready if you had him 50 more years; no one is ever ready!” As His words rang through my heart and mind, I told the Lord that I didn’t like this path, but if this was His will for our lives, I would submit. As
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